I did not expect to be writing this yet. I thought we had more time. More time to visit, to laugh, and to call her. I thought I had more time to bring the kids by or close friends who hadn’t met her. I thought that I was prepared, since it had been such a long and difficult road for her. I thought that this scare was much like the last few, where she always managed to come back from it. I thought since we knew it was coming, that I would be able to cope and process it much easier. I thought that the relief would outweigh the grief. I thought that knowing she is no longer in pain or suffering would make her being gone okay. I thought I knew a hell of a lot more than I do.
Nothing can prepare you for loss. Nothing can prepare you for losing a best friend, a mother, and the grandmother to your children. Nothing can prepare you for the grief on your family’s face, or the internal struggle you know they are all fighting. Nothing can prepare you for having no idea how to cope or keep your head above water. Nothing can prepare your depression and anxiety for a loss so great you feel like you can’t breathe. Nothing can prepare you for the multiple times you pick up the phone to call her because that was part of your daily routine. Nothing can prepare you for the moment you walk in her closet or listen to her voicemails. There is absolutely nothing in this life that can prepare you or guide you through a loss so great you feel physical pain.
I am beyond blessed to have had such an incredible mother and friend. It took a while to become friends after what we like to call my “dark days”, but somehow, we became closer and our bond stronger after that. Even though I was doing everything possible to push away from everything I had been taught, there was never a moment where I doubted if she was still there. There was never a moment where I questioned if she would pick up the phone. That was mom. Loyal beyond belief, loving and kind through your darkest moments and through the confusion of navigating through life. She always had advice, support, and a hug whenever it was needed no matter what. I never had to wonder if my mom was there for me, and I am truly grateful for that.
She taught me what being a mom means. She always said the exact thing I needed to hear, whether I liked it or not. In some of my most difficult moments being a mom, she reminded me that it’s okay not to like your kids sometimes and the relief I felt from that was exactly what I needed to remove the guilt. She encouraged every choice I made whether she agreed or not and made sure that everyone in her life knew that they were there forever. That she would always be there forever. Friends of mine gravitated to our house because they knew she genuinely cared about their day and how they were doing. It helped that she always had fresh baked cookies or brownie sundaes for us too.
Mom taught me independence. She also taught me that in the most difficult times, we keep going. In my last visit with her, she spent the time comforting me and telling me that she wasn’t afraid to die. She explained how she couldn’t wait to walk again, feel the sand between her toes and hold my precious baby I miscarried years ago. Even in her last days, she was reassuring her loved ones that she was okay. She was always taking care of everyone and held true to that until she was gone. She also promised to haunt me if she believed I was making a bad choice, and I truly believe her to hold up to that.
Mom was the light in everyone’s day, and the warm hug you always needed. Even if you weren’t sure what you needed, she somehow did. Whether it was a text, a goofy joke where she forgot the punch line, or a sappy hallmark movie and a hug. She was beyond special and there is not a single word in the world that can describe how special she was. She touched so many lives, and seeing how many people came together to celebrate her life was proof of that. I will always carry her with me, and I truly hope to keep her spirit alive not only in myself, but in my children. I am a better person for knowing her. Everyone is. There is no one in the world like her, and the overwhelming pain of accepting that is like treading water with weights on. She would not want us to be sad…not for too long. She would want us to smile when we think about her, talk about her, and remember her. She would want her joy, love and passion to live on forever. I strive to be half the woman she was, and I will never stop trying to be more like her. Sure love you momma. Forever and always.
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