This is a tough one. Not only is it hard to find the words to make sense of why we blame ourselves, but it’s hard to explain how small comments or actions from loved ones also put an enormous amount of blame on us, even though that is not the intention. Blame is one of the most powerful components of depression and anxiety, and believe me when I say that we justify a reason to blame ourselves for EVERYTHING.
Simple tasks to most, such as laundry or dishes become a huge weight on our shoulders. If we don’t manage to have it all done or stay on top of it we blame ourselves for everything else that happens as what we believe is a result of this. Our husbands come home grumpy and it’s our fault because there were dishes in the sink. There’s any type of frustration because clothes can’t be found or aren’t washed, it’s our fault because we didn’t get it done. People show up unannounced and the house is a mess, it’s our fault that you are embarrassed because we are supposed to be able to do it all. Everything should be perfect 24/7 in our minds and if it isn’t, we can’t deal.
Phone calls, appointments, homework, sports…we blame ourselves for creating an impossible schedule. We blame ourselves if the kids are exhausted or are behaving poorly. Shoot, Jace punched a kid at school last week and I somehow believe it’s my fault. I am to blame for bad behavior, for bad manners, for reading levels being behind and for anything that goes wrong in this family. I am to blame for ADHD, for my eight year old saying he “hates himself” and “ruins everything”. My mind tells me that he must’ve overheard me, or that I either passed this onto him or I have failed as a mother.
Enter logic. Logically I know deep down I am not to blame for a lot of this, and I know that my guilt is not because of anyone else. I am blessed to have a husband that helps, and doesn’t intentionally make me feel bad about overflowing laundry baskets. I literally have a train of laundry baskets right now because I just haven’t been able to make myself fold them. Depression and anxiety push so forcefully to convince me otherwise. I wish I could say logic always wins, and these days it does more often than not. These days logic is able to tell my depression and anxiety to go to you know where. But then there are the bad days.
Bad days trick us into thinking we have it under control, and proving otherwise. They take advantage of our progress and the level of blame goes from 2 to 12 in five minutes. The racing list of failures and incomplete to do lists overwhelm logic, and create so much exhaustion and control that the only thing we want is to crawl into bed and disappear in the covers.
We can beat bad days. It seems impossible, especially when you are in the thick of it. Make it through the bad day and do whatever it is you need to feel the slightest bit better. Hire cleaners, hide your laundry, take a shower and let the heat melt away the control that these flipping mental health diseases have over us. I recently got a vinyl sticker for my rear view mirror that simply says “You are enough ;”. That semicolon reminds me that what I consider freeing my loved ones, would actually do permanent and long term damage to those very people.
Beat the bad days. Take one step. Sit down or curl up if you have to, but take one step. Eventually take another. Seek help, and I cannot stress this enough but getting help does NOT make you weak. It makes you incredibly STRONG. It makes you BRAVE. It is the first step to winning this war with depression and anxiety. Take the one step.
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