If you have read any of these posts, then you know that I hate the phrase “choose happiness”. Mostly because for some of us this does not come easily. How can you make a choice to be something when your brain is chemically wired to tell you not to be? How do you choose happiness when every ounce of your being is screaming at you that you don’t deserve it or that there is no hope? I shared my thoughts on this recently with someone close to me and his response was quite simple. He said to me, “You do choose happiness. Every time you take your meds. Every time you force yourself to get out of bed. Every time you push yourself to not let depression take over and you do something about it. You choose it every time you do something about it.”
This has really stuck with me and stayed in my head this last week. I could not stop thinking about it. I realized that all this time I have been looking at this in the wrong way. It may not be an instant gratification or one moment of sadness turned into happiness, but we can choose it. We can fight for it. Some days, we have to fight harder than others and it’s not a guarantee that we will win every day, but we can make that choice to fight for our happiness. I know, I know, easier said than done. Especially when you are at rock bottom, and you feel like the world is swallowing you whole with no end in sight. Trust me, I know. I have struggled and been in that place myself, but we don’t have to stay there. We choose to.
I have learned a lot over the last two months at my new job, and seeing the different struggles people face has really opened my eyes and given me a new level of compassion for people. No two people fight the same battle, but we do have similar scars. They may not look the same or present in the same way, but they are there, nonetheless. Yet I continue to hear “crazy” or see eye rolls. There are a select few who have an undeniable level of compassion and understanding for those who fight these struggles, and I will admit that I have rolled my eyes a time or two as well, but I always flash back to when it was me in that bed. When it was me in a room with someone who had to chart everything I did every 15 minutes. If I was asleep, awake, went to the bathroom, spoke. ALL of it.
It can be overwhelming to the point of hiding. Turning into a recluse because that’s easier than facing it. Pushing away our loved ones so that they don’t see the pain we are trying to hide. Nobody wants anyone to witness them drowning, and at times it literally feels like there is no air to come up for. What is the point in swimming to the top if the relief of breathing isn’t there? I am telling you I understand and believe me I wish I didn’t. Yet in a way I am also grateful because I get to sit here and type this and tell you that you aren’t alone. You aren’t the only one to feel this way. I wish I had said something sooner so maybe, just maybe it would’ve made a difference for my mom. Hearing her say that she thought she was the only one who felt that way, thought that way, and faced those struggles was heart breaking. Why in the hell do we pretend that this doesn’t exist or shame those who do feel this way?
Mental health is something that needs to stop being viewed as weakness or “crazy”. If you ask me, those who struggle with it and still show up every day are ten times stronger than those who have no idea what it’s like to feel like everyone in their life is better off without them in it. It makes you stronger than those who have no idea what it feels like to truly believe you don’t matter, or to have thoughts of suicide cross your mind daily. It’s not a weakness my friend, it’s a difficult and impossible yet treatable disease. You aren’t alone, and no one should ever have to feel that they are. No one should be ashamed to ask for help or to fight this fucked up and never-ending war.
Take a step. Just one. Maybe one day all you can do is make coffee. Maybe another day it’s starting a load of laundry and that’s all you can manage. Maybe it’s showering or getting dressed. Any step matters, no matter how small it may seem. But take the step. Prove to yourself that you can take the step. Give yourself enough respect and love to take one step. Prove each little thing to yourself until it turns into more. If I can do this, so can you. Am I cured? No. Do I still struggle sometimes? Absolutely. Do I have days where getting out of bed is one of the hardest and most defeating things ever? Yes. Either find people that drag you out of bed until you can do it yourself or do it yourself. Prove to yourself that you don’t need to define your happiness based on someone else. You want them, but you don’t need them to choose happiness. They don’t determine your happiness. You do.
Comments