Escape.

As some of you know, this last year has taken quite a toll on my mental health and for those of you that are close to me it has taken a toll on yours as well. I used to think that I had to fix everything for everyone, no matter what it cost me. After all, I didn’t matter in my mind after years of being subjected to manipulation and control. I devoted my time to my kids and to everyone I cared about. I never stood up for myself out of fear of hurting someone’s feelings, as well as those voices of depression and anxiety telling you that you are nothing and that everyone is better off if you aren’t in their life. The thing about mental illness is that the second you think you have a handle on it, it somehow finds a way to slowly creep back in. It could be from past trauma, and something triggers you or you’ve spent years being verbally and emotionally abused. It could be the smallest thing, or something huge and that’s the hardest part. You never know when it will creep back in so how do we prepare for that?

Everyone is different and I am in no way saying this will work for everyone because let’s face it, if it were that simple, we wouldn’t need mental health professionals to guide us. Throughout the last year I went from someone who thought even buying a coffee was selfish, to someone who has fought like hell to get to a place where I hold my head high and I don’t let anyone control my future. The first step for me, which unfortunately took me months to realize, (I’m stubborn and hardheaded at times lol) was looking at the people I surrounded myself with. I had to really think about whether they made my mood better or worse and how they individually affected my mental state. I met people who tried to manipulate me into feeling guilty for chasing a career or doing something for me. I met people who simply wanted to have control over someone or someone to fill a void in their life. I had to cut out a lot of people that I truly loved and cared about, and this took me almost the entire year to do because when I care I care hard.

I started to realize that friendship is a two-way street. That any relationship is, and you should be getting just as much as you are giving. I learned that your person is supposed to not only support your dreams but encourage you to chase them. I learned that the people in your life should be your cheerleaders and biggest source of support. I learned that being a friend means you are there for the bad times as well as the good. I learned that I tend to match moods of those around me and removed myself from situations where there was a lot of negativity. The biggest thing I learned, and this one was unbelievably hard, was that the weight of the world’s problems was not on my shoulders. That I didn’t have to get involved and try to fix everything for everyone, especially if I was hurting myself in the process. There’s that I word again though, I had to accept that true family are the ones who bring you soup when you’re sick or send you funny memes when you’re having a bad day. The ones who open their homes to you and love you through difficult times, especially when I was kind of a jerk for a while there. They get matching tattoos or send flowers just because you’re sick. Once I accepted that, my entire world shifted.

My life is not rainbows and sunshine, and having to navigate through all of this while losing my best friend was a kick to the shins. Y’all know I took some hits this year, but because I started to surround myself with these people who genuinely cared (not just because they could benefit from it in some way), I started to gain a level of confidence I never thought I could have. The craziest part? It took me FOREVER to even let them help me or accept that they just cared and there was no ulterior motive. To believe that I deserved those friendships and accept that there is no such thing as not deserving amazing people in your corner. To believe that pushing people away that I love because I thought their lives were better without me in it was a load of BS and tended to hurt them more than just letting them in.

I guess my point is this, NOTHING can tell us we don’t deserve something. That we get to have a voice of our own and that we do matter. WE MATTER. It doesn’t make you selfish, it makes you human. Everyone needs to do something for themselves that brings them that happiness that comes so easily to others. We also don’t have to fix everything. It’s okay to walk away from a situation or person that is toxic, and to accept that not every problem has to be yours. We don’t even have to like everyone! We get to choose our family by allowing those who truly care in and telling everyone else to kick rocks. The weight of the world is not on our shoulders, and we deserve everything we’ve ever wanted. Hold your head high, look at yourself in the mirror and tell that person staring back at you that they matter, and they are worth it. Because you are. Find your happiness, and escape from those that tear you down. We’ve got this.